Cultivating stillness, presence, and love through devotional be-ing.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
BEING MY OWN POWER, an essay on potential by: Anonymous
I had a true breakthrough today. I realized something. It felt like I was blowing dust off an old relic, like I was an archaeologist who had discovered something long-buried and could finally start to detect a familiar shape. It was like I was removing a layer of grime from something shiny hidden in my attic from decades ago. It was like removing rust from a piece of long-forgotten machinery.
I realized that I AM MY OWN POWER.
As soon as I realized this, I had a SUPERCHARGE.
It was building up all day, as I started to FEEL MY POTENTIAL, truly feel it. It finally hit today. I am a self-enclosed entity. I am my own power. I am my own god. I AM GOD.
A few days ago, I began to monitor all my interactions with other people. I realized that no matter who it was I was conversing with, it was like I was constantly scrambling after ENERGETIC CRUMBS, desperate for other people to give me some type of shallow validation that I am worthy of attention, deserving of love. I wanted the crumbs of other people's affection, I wanted to have some type of reassurance of my existence, I wanted other people to acknowledge me, to make me feel valued, to make me feel special by responding to me, by communicating with me to help me prove to myself that I exist, that I am worthy, and for too long I have relied on these paltry energy returns to build up my self-confidence and self-image. Well guess what folks: You cannot thrive on crumbs.
In fact, good luck even surviving on them for long. You can't nourish yourself on crumbs because you're just constantly looking for more. More attention, more validation, more pieces of fragmented love from people who are just doing the same thing you are, desperate for those tiny slices of validation, of being noticed and appreciated. IT'S A FLAWED SYSTEM. Destined to fail, destined to bring discontentment, frustration and bitterness to those who utilize it.
Realizing this over the past few days, I hit an apex today. What to do? I'M TIRED OF LIVING THAT WAY. I'm tired of feeling desperate, disappointed and let down in my interactions with others. I'm tired of always pining for more: more love, more attention, more validation. It's bullshit. For one thing, you will NEVER be satisfied. NEVER. NOBODY ELSE CAN EVER SATISFY YOUR LONGING HEART. Nobody else can ever give you enough validation for you to feel worthy of YOURSELF. Nobody else can ever give you enough love to feel complete. It's impossible.
So I've been thinking about this. Pondering and pondering. Today, in my pondering, I hit something new. It felt like I was dusting off a piece of myself I haven't used in awhile. I felt a thrill of excitement when I realized how FAMILIAR it seemed. It was something I remembered...vaguely...something I had known, intuitively, instinctively...long ago...something that I thought had disappeared.
Without even realizing that it had.
It was POWER.
MY OWN POWER.
THIS BODY. THIS MIND. THIS SPIRIT.
In finding it, a rush of epiphany.
I realized I could do anything. I realized that I could do Anything. I realized I could do ANYTHING. No more fear. I could do anything I wanted. Say anything I wanted. Nothing in my way. And if there was? HA! I'm the martyr. I'm the heretic. I CANNOT be repressed!!! It goes against my design to be coerced. I am the black sheep. I am DESIGNED to go against the grain. I am MADE to rebel, to resist. I always have. My entire life. I am designed to adapt, to find out what works. And when I find what works, there is CONVICTION:
Conviction I will fearlessly take to the grave.
The strength in my position in life, the strength in my design, overwhelmed me.
I began to realize my role as a black sheep. I began to FEEL IT. I began to TAKE DELIGHT in it. I felt mischievous and playful and fierce and determined and VERY CONTENT in my role in life. But that was only the beginning of realizing my power.
In realizing all this, a feeling swept over me, a sensation of throwing back my head and laughing hysterically, manically, even though I was deathly composed and joyously still. I felt something budding, something big, something fierce, something STRONG. It was confidence.
I am not afraid anymore. Not now. In understanding my Human Design, I have come to feel who I really am. And it blows my mind.
I am not afraid to be who I Really Am anymore.
Today, I realized I am my own Power. Worshiping God? Looking up to a Higher Power? I AM my Higher Power. I AM GOD. I AM love. I AM validation. I AM attention. I AM
I AM EVERYTHING I NEED. Here. And Now.
To realize this...is FREEDOM.
And there is more. Something even more deliciously blasphemous.
I REFUSE TO FEEL ASHAMED TO BE WHO I AM. I AM WHO I AM. Among our society, there are those guilt-stricken unhappy souls who would like everyone to feel as embittered and distraught and helpless and beholden to the OTHER as they are. I know this, because I have been one of them. To cling to the idea of the OTHER as something to NEED, something to CRAVE endlessly, something to WORSHIP as HIGHER then the SELF. These are the same people who want everyone to be disempowered. These are the people who NEED to be NEEDED to feel like they are worth something. By saying, "I AM GOD" and "I AM MY OWN POWER" they are threatened.
I know. I have been one of them.
I HAVE COME INTO MY OWN POWER.
I FEEL MY POWER. I acknowledge that I AM GOD. And I am focusing on that. I'm going to experience this, for ALL ITS WORTH.
I'm not giving my power away anymore. I'm not going to "give it up" to GOD. GOD IS EVERYTHING. I AM GOD. And I'm focused on the I AM. And I am self-confident and self-satisfied in my new understanding..of my SELF.
It is time to worship my SELF. Praise my BEING. GIVE MYSELF BLESSINGS. EXALT MY SELF. Lift up my SELF in HOLINESS. SING AN ODE TO MY BEING in my EVERY EXPRESSION. CREATE MAGIC IN MY BREATH, and FEEL IT BECOME LIFE.